not so therapeutic

I had great plans for a great weekend. Things don't always turn out like planned. My relaxing trip to the city by myself was not so relaxing and I was not alone. There was no skiing. The huge dump of snow has left me feeling like a single parent. Ian is now on his second night of snow removal and also had to fit in the shovelling at the condos and driving his bike out to clear at a cottage, oh yeah, plus some sleep in there.

I have promised myself I will never enter another Home Depo again. How long could it possibly take to get some help? Apparently, VERY long.

And, why can I not sleep well while Ian is working? Not sure, but I spent more time awake in my bed last night than asleep. Which is probably why I find myself complaining here (I didn't plan this.) So sorry for that.

On to a better story...

I didn't have the energy for Kellen's desire to have a partner in his "transformer" play. I was oh, so creative in explaining I was the baby transformer, so I had to lay down and watch him, so I could learn how to be a good transformer like him. It was very entertaining and (somewhat) restful as he totally bought into my story line and ran with it. I was a very well taken care of baby - milk, blankets, stories, kisses...

I got around to organizing some pictures. I hadn't done anything with some from November yet. I did a rapid selection of some favorites to share...

Lanelle's new favorite activity - thanks Auntie Andrea
Kellen trying chopsticks

Family + Christmas

i love Auntie Sheena

the first tree decorating (it fell over after)

making pancakes with Mom

weekend therapy

• loving the cross country ski trails with the love of my life
• playing tea with Lanelle
• making bread, smelling bread, eating fresh bread
• watching Kellen comfort his sister when she cried
• coffee and The Art of Simple Food: Notes, Lessons, and Recipes from a Delicious Revolution by Alice Waters

Just some of the things that made my weekend wonderful.

laugh

It's good to laugh. Kellen always is making me laugh, but I don't usually replay what he said over and over again through out the day. I'm not sure I can write this well enough without the sound effects of the wailing and sobbing that came with the words to help you understand why Ian and I have repeated this several times and howled about it.

Kellen woke up earlier than I would have liked this morning, asking for toast "cause I'm very hungry." Since we strive for fairness, I told Ian since I'd been up in the night with Lanelle, this one was for him. Kellen would almost always be fine with Dad, but for some reason came unglued about that. Even with the smell of toast in the air, he came back to my bed crying that I had to do the toast. I picked him up, hugged him and said Daddy can put pb and honey on toast the same way I do and I carried him back to the kitchen. I headed back to bed and shut the bedroom door behind me. Well, Kellen had followed me down the hallway and was not happy about this.

"Fine then, I will just go to my bed!
WAAAAA! She won't make me toast.
WAAAAA! She shut the door!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME????"

Yes, I must have scarred him for life by not making his toast. What will happen to him now?

Ohh, it was said so dramatically. Way too funny.

Thank you, God for the little ones who bring so much humor to our lives.

honesty

I know its been a long time. I have been busy. I think I've also been a little lost. I'd kind of like to stay there, but I guess its not the best place to be. I think I should just be able to see the joyful things around me and the darkness will disappear, but that would just be pretending. I didn't want to pretend, but didn't want to be honest either.

Ian's coworker decided to take his own life the week before Christmas. At the funeral, the pastor said something like - what we know today is that even though we all try to act like we have it all together, we really don't. We played ball with Garry last summer. As I knew him, he was fun-loving, easy-going and laid back. I couldn't, and still can't, get over the fact that he didn't feel that he could really talk to anyone about whatever was going on in his life. I kept thinking what is wrong with all of us, that we don't really share with each other. I was trying to figure out why are we so scared of being judged?

I don't know though that it is about feeling judged. I think sharing probably brings people relief more than worry about judgement. I wonder if keeping everything to ourself has more to do with our own personal struggle to deal with the pain we feel. We lost a baby in November. I don't talk about it, because I want so badly to forget. I do everything I can to not think about our loss and the baby. So I don't talk to anyone while I try to ignore what I feel. All its done is make me feel very far away from everyone and it still hurts. Typing that is painful but brings relief from my silence. Honesty is good.

When we recently lost Grandpa, it was obviously a time for a lot of reflection. Not just on his life, but on who I am. The reflection made me want to be more honest with myself. I learned some new things about Grandpa and his experiences in life - like the Muscox expedition he was on. But everything that was said about WHO he was, was not at all a surprise. He was steady and strong in who he was. I have longed lately for that feeling of steadiness and the peace that I imagine comes with it.

Last night we drove back from the farm to Moose Jaw with the car vibrating. The tires on the VW always get build up inside of them in the winter that cause that. Ian has to clean them out a couple times during the winter. However, this time we should have considered an alternative theory to what seemed obvious to us. When we stopped in Moose Jaw, I saw we had a flat tire. We had to laugh at ourselves for not checking the obvious. After we were on our way again, the thought crossed my mind - what else is an obvious in my life that I don't recognize because I assume something that is untrue?

Assuming I can't have that steadiness is untrue. I have the faith that my Grandpa had. I'm sure he had more personal struggles than I knew. None of us have been given a path that is free from some bumps. I'd like to be more honest about my journey - with myself and those I am blessed to share it with. I think I'd find more steadiness walking this way than in my solitude of late.

Hmm. I sat down to write a little Christmas letter. Full of the highlights of how we've been blessed. But, this is what came out. A little more honesty (and babble) than I was prepared for. But maybe for myself I will go ahead and share it anyways, in the spirit of honesty and transparency. Maybe it will be good for more than just me. There you have it - although pretty roughly written through my blurry vision - I guess that's it for my 2009 review and wishes for 2010. Happy holidays and love to you.

Colorless Fall Photos.

I have tried and tried to get out to the park for the annual fall pictures. We never had a nice sunny day when I had a chance, until yesterday. However, by now they are very colorless when I compare the previous years. I'll have to update the blog header with these soon.

I also found it even harder this year, with 2 mobile kids to get any decent ones. Kellen was mad he wasn't digging in the sand and kept scowling. I have really been trying not to use bribes, but I finally broke down and promised him a Lightening car (he has had about 10 and has lost them all!) It was amazing how quickly the smiles showed up.

Winter then Fall

A few winter pictures.

I love this expression. I can tell this is him beginning one of his stories.

Then fall returned and I got a few pile of leaves shots. Although they are pretty few. It was hard to catch any that were not of their backs as they ran around.

Chicken and Eggs

Kellen told me yesterday that he would draw me a picture. That usually means some scribbles and color. I had never seen anything that looked like anything. He was quite delighted when he exclaimed that he had drawn me a chicken. Then he took it back for a minute. "Oh, I forgot it needs a beak! Oh, how do I draw a beak?! Umm, yeah, like this..." and put a few scribbles down.

I thought it was a pretty big step and thought I should scan it to save the first (what I call) "real" drawing. So, here I share. I really enjoying watching him do new things.