Tuesday, December 29, 2009

honesty

I know its been a long time. I have been busy. I think I've also been a little lost. I'd kind of like to stay there, but I guess its not the best place to be. I think I should just be able to see the joyful things around me and the darkness will disappear, but that would just be pretending. I didn't want to pretend, but didn't want to be honest either.

Ian's coworker decided to take his own life the week before Christmas. At the funeral, the pastor said something like - what we know today is that even though we all try to act like we have it all together, we really don't. We played ball with Garry last summer. As I knew him, he was fun-loving, easy-going and laid back. I couldn't, and still can't, get over the fact that he didn't feel that he could really talk to anyone about whatever was going on in his life. I kept thinking what is wrong with all of us, that we don't really share with each other. I was trying to figure out why are we so scared of being judged?

I don't know though that it is about feeling judged. I think sharing probably brings people relief more than worry about judgement. I wonder if keeping everything to ourself has more to do with our own personal struggle to deal with the pain we feel. We lost a baby in November. I don't talk about it, because I want so badly to forget. I do everything I can to not think about our loss and the baby. So I don't talk to anyone while I try to ignore what I feel. All its done is make me feel very far away from everyone and it still hurts. Typing that is painful but brings relief from my silence. Honesty is good.

When we recently lost Grandpa, it was obviously a time for a lot of reflection. Not just on his life, but on who I am. The reflection made me want to be more honest with myself. I learned some new things about Grandpa and his experiences in life - like the Muscox expedition he was on. But everything that was said about WHO he was, was not at all a surprise. He was steady and strong in who he was. I have longed lately for that feeling of steadiness and the peace that I imagine comes with it.

Last night we drove back from the farm to Moose Jaw with the car vibrating. The tires on the VW always get build up inside of them in the winter that cause that. Ian has to clean them out a couple times during the winter. However, this time we should have considered an alternative theory to what seemed obvious to us. When we stopped in Moose Jaw, I saw we had a flat tire. We had to laugh at ourselves for not checking the obvious. After we were on our way again, the thought crossed my mind - what else is an obvious in my life that I don't recognize because I assume something that is untrue?

Assuming I can't have that steadiness is untrue. I have the faith that my Grandpa had. I'm sure he had more personal struggles than I knew. None of us have been given a path that is free from some bumps. I'd like to be more honest about my journey - with myself and those I am blessed to share it with. I think I'd find more steadiness walking this way than in my solitude of late.

Hmm. I sat down to write a little Christmas letter. Full of the highlights of how we've been blessed. But, this is what came out. A little more honesty (and babble) than I was prepared for. But maybe for myself I will go ahead and share it anyways, in the spirit of honesty and transparency. Maybe it will be good for more than just me. There you have it - although pretty roughly written through my blurry vision - I guess that's it for my 2009 review and wishes for 2010. Happy holidays and love to you.

10 comments:

Monica said...

Oh Janet, I wish I was there to give you a hug. Thank you for being willing to open yourself up to the world like that. I appreciate your honesty. I'm sorry you lost a baby, we've been helping a friend deal with 2 losses over the last year and can see how painful it is. What I have seen is that you have to give yourself time and permission to grieve, it is a real loss and you shouldn't feel bad for hurting. I'm sure Jenn would tell you that as well. I pray that you will find a measure of the peace you're looking for in 2010. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Just want to send love and prayers your way. I am sorry for your loss and sorry I could not be there for you. You are a beautiful writer, thank you for sharing a part of your heart in your letter. love and miss you, sarah c

jenn with two n's said...

I want echo what Monica and Sarah had to say. Life is so fragile and precious. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share. I love you!

Davis Family said...

Well gee - that was super lovely Janet. I often grapple with the same sort of issues. I have a real hard time with being honest too - I tend to cover my feelings with humour.

You are brave and lovely and pretty darn special!

Angela said...

I'm sorry for the valleys of sadness and loss that you are having to travel through, but I applaud your honesty. It does take courage, but brings life and healing. I also struggle lots with transparency. So maybe we can learn together. You've already taught me today. Plus I would rather hear the truth than a bunch of "I'm fine thank you" when it's a total lie. May you find the peace that passes understanding that you are looking for. Seek and you will find.

Crystal Quilliams said...

Janet, I'm so.....sorry for your & Ian's loss! Life sometimes feels so unfair. I'm proud of you for oprning up, to such a personal subject and I hope that it has helped you with some of your healing. I agree what everyone has said thus far. I hope you can lean on your sister Jenn at this time, who could be a huge support to you as you struggle this grieving process. You are loved and will be prayed for by many! I think sometimes we don't open up to people not so much to be scared of judgement but scared that people will think all your trying to do is bring attention to yourself. It's a tough thing. We should all be more open, kind, loving, good listeners & non judgemental! I don't usually make up New Years resolutions, but pethaps thats a worthwhile one!!! Thanks for your honesty! HUGS & LOVE being sent your way!!!

Laurie said...

I am sorry you lost a baby janet. Wish we could get together. Although, I can't relate to the loss of a baby, I too.....have had a rough few months (not comparing situations, but in my head ~ life has been rough). I try to be more and more honest with people, to show that I don't have it all together....still struggling a bit, but I am really hoping the new year brings lots of good things! I hope that for you too!!

Thinking of you girl!!

Anonymous said...

I've thought lots about the steadiness too- 'unflappable' was another word that came up a few times. I think both those things are rather relative to the bumps/ups & downs we experience on earth. You are steady, but the 'ride' hasn't been so smooth lately.
You know I love you. We'll talk again soon!
Jenn

Anonymous said...

Aww, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could be there with you right now.
Nice to read a good honest blog.
I loved seeing you at the funeral.

J'nea

Anonymous said...

Janet, so sorry to hear that you and Ian have really been going through some trying times lately. Will be thinking of you.
Vicki