Really, if I could have all those delicious home cooked meals and snacks made, have played joyfully with my kids, have taken the time to teach them all the things I would love to, have a clean and organized house, a beautiful yard, be on top of all the goodness in the garden, done some of the too long ignored errands, made some concrete plans for the renos that are brewing, have enjoyed some exercise, have taken my quiet time, done something kind for a friend, have all my pictures organized and scrapbooked, gotten to create something on my needles, it would have been a perfect day. And, I would just be waking up from a crazy dream.
I think I strive for something impossible. But there are so many people who I think are doing it. Pshaw (is that how I would spell that word I heard my Grandpa say?) Nobody is finding perfect balance with all things in their life (and still finding sanity and joy). Right? Help me out here. I'm not the only one who feels this way, right?
What's that saying I've seen lately? You can do everything, just not all at once. That's the phrase that struck a chord with me. And reminded me of seasons. There is a season for everything, but not all seasons at once. Sometimes I need to be more realistic with the season I'm in with small children. Especially the teething, demanding babe these days.
I don't even need to think as big as seasons. Sometimes I need to just think of days. Today was a laundry and cooking day. So much laundry. Five monster loads all folded and put away. Diapers washed ready for tomorrow. Homemade pasta and pesto, with roasted zucchinni. Squash baked with sausage and tomatoes, topped with bread crumbs. Mmmm. No time for a clean house, but the busy kitchen has been repeatedly cleaned. I even spent 30 minutes on the long since ignored digital scrapbook. The basement tidied. Puzzles with my girl. Cuddles and giggles with the littlest one, plus all her feeding and diapering. We walked the big boy to school and again to pick him up. We brought friends home for a play. It really was a good day. BUT, the monster tried ruining it by pointing out the dirty floors, the disaster craft room and stillness that has existed there for too long, the dust, the upcoming frost and the unready garden. I want to get rid of the monster that steals my joy and makes me feel like I failed the day, but he keeps coming back.
What am I even trying to say? Ha, I think I don't even know! Just sharing this struggle. Talking through it and hoping I can make some sense. I think I'm making headway. It actually seems so silly, really, when I write it out. I think I don't know what the monster is. But, I suppose I do. Yet naming it, means claiming it and I really don't want to do that. Because, I'm not selfish and I'm not desiring something as ridiculous as perfection, am I? Eeee, if I could admit it and understand it, maybe I could make this joystealer stay away. Maybe I would have more experiences when I am just in the moment, with gratitude for all that I do have and am blessed with.
So that's where I'll go (again), to find what I need (again). To counting and naming beautiful moments.
memories of summer picnics
friends and silliness, and laughter
watching and clapping for little fingers learning to pick up cheerios
apple picking enthusiasm and bravery
apples, apples, and apples to share!
joy on the faces of young and older playing games to get rice Krispie square
and the hospitality so gracious
the joy for puppies from the littlest one that brings clapping and bouncing
so much apple goodness
sneaking in a row here and there for a little girl's hat that makes me happy for the rhythm of the needles and reminds me to be thankful for her as I ask God to help her get better and stronger quickly.